My Blog

Hi ppl!! Surprise to see me writing my blog again? keke… Im not a blogger and im rather lazy tat’s y i never come up here so freq. Well, the past 7 months havent been tat smooth sailin for me. Guess tat’s part & parcel of life. Since its over, i shant think abt it  anymore.

Im still workin as a nurse in SGH and in the same ward. Recently, juz went to another ward for cross-training. This ward specialises in haematology/oncology, in layman terms it means patients suffering from blood disorders or blood cancer.

Had a severe cultural shock when i first went there last wk. Couldnt believe my eyes and couldnt work. Its so different from my previous ward, where every seconds is so impt tat we cant waste & everybody is rushing ard doin smth. However, in this new ward, the pace is so much slower and the workload is so much lesser. But the staff are still complainin they are busy. Hey! come down to my previous ward and u will be grateful with wat u have now. Sigh… I will be posted in this ward for 6mths & its only been 2wks… Time is passin so slowly… Hopefully, things will get better..

12th April went to Sentosa for some actions in the sun. Act I was rather disappointed as the response was bad. In the end, I had to join Philip and his hall ppl in Sentosa. Nevertheless, we had an enjoyable time playin ultimate frisbee, captain ball, tug-of-war & football. I was there ard 10am and ard 11+ it started to rain. The rain didnt let go till ard 2+ in the afternoon. Thereafter, Christopher & Edwin came down to join me. I got into some troubles with my flyin ring. First, I threw the ring into the sea but my aim was too far from Edwin & the ring sank into the sea bed. As I’m afraid of deep water, Edwin had to dive in the sea several times in search of my flying ring. Luckily, he managed to find it.

After much persuasion, the 2 guys finally agreed to play frisbee with me. I was tryin to throw the frisbee to Chris but the ring ended up at the top of a coconut tree. I borrowed a worn out volleyball from a grp of teenagers and Edwin used it to get the ring down from the tree. However, the ball got stuck rite in the middle of the tree. One of the teenagers, used his basketball to hit the flying ring down. Due to the position of the volleyball, it doesnt allow any other methods other than climbing the tree & gettin it down. Another young boy tried to climb but failed to as the tree was rather slippery. Edwin too tried to climb and almost got the ball down but bcoz the grp of teenagers was makin so much noise tat caused him to panic, he almost fell from the tree. Luckily he has got good reflex, juz got away with some abrasion & bruise.

We wanted to pay them back for the volleyball but the teenagers said its ok as the ball was rather old. Thereafter, my flying ring was not in action anymore. Maybe my skills of throwin the ring has detertoriate as i haven been playin with it for a long while. Sigh… Supposed to meet up with Yuan Yuan but she came too late & went to wrong place, in the end couldnt meet up with her.

After Sentosa, we went to 85 Chai Chee for dinner. It was an eye-opener for me to see guys eat. Let me see if i can remember wat food they ordered… Hokkien Mee, 6 BBQ chicken wings, 五香 + bee hoon x 2 plates, BBQ stingray, minced meat noodles and each of us had a cup of sugar cane. I finished abt 1/2 of the hokkien mee & i told Chris & Ed tat if i were to finish up the whole plate i wont be able to eat anymore of the food they ordered. So they finished up the hokkien mee. Each of us had 2 chicken wings, by then i was strugglin to finish up my chicken wings. Next came the 五香, I told the guys they each can have a plate of the bee hoon as i wont be able to eat anymore of it. After tat, the BBQ stingray came & lookin at it my stomach was protesting!!! It was nice but i really cant eat anymore. I thot tat was it but Edwin went to order a bowl of minced meat noodles which he shared with Chris. I only took 2 spoonfuls of soup.

After the ‘feast’(to me it was a feast’), on the way back to the car, we decided to have some durains. So, they went to pick up another fren & we ended up in geylang for durains. There was this durain tat cost $34 for 5pieces which is abt $6.8/piece. But eatin one piece was rather fillin. They also bought some durains which costs abt $10. During the dinner earlier, Chris & Ed told me how much the 2 of them & another fren, Jia wen, can eat wen they were in the army. I was totally shocked by the amt of food they ate. Each can eat an average of 18 plates of sushi!! Edwin had ever ate 7 plates of rice!!! Oh my God!! I felt full juz listening to them tellin me how they eat. I told them to ‘invite’ me to watch them eat, coz it will help me to slim down. Coz i will be full juz by watchin them eat.

After the durain session, we went down to Punggol End. I have got no idea where it was. When we got there, there were many cars & ppl with fishing poles. Big spots light were also put up there. According to the guys, its was not like tat in the past until Mas Selamat escaped. As it was so bright, due to the spots light, you cannot see the stars. I guess if there wasnt so many ppl plus the spots light, it will be a nice spot for couples to star gaze at night.

Guess the weather nowadays is really drivin everyone sick. For no apparent reasons, Im down with high fever. I dun have any cough, flu or sore throat nor any infected injuries. I juz hope tat my fever will go off soon.

Tat’s all follks… Take care..

its kinda early.. i mean for me to sit in front of the computer at close to 7am on a sunday morning. 99.99% of my time at this hr i will be lyin in bed havin a date with my prince charmin in the dreamland…. keke.. well i haven slp yet is bcoz im waitin for my hair to dry after my shower. came back home at ard 6am, was out of the house since 6pm. its normal for me to spend more than 12hrs outside but yester was smth different..

had a small birthday celebration with my cousin, colleagues n frenz at PW ktv from 7pm - 11pm.. im veri glad tat they turned up and celebrated my birthday with me. it was fun hearin beautiful voices singin songs and chit-chattin with frenz i haven seen for sometimes.

as usual birthday girl always get sabotage at her party. act i dun mind but i do mind if someone act smashed a piece of bitter sweet chocolate cake with rum on my face!!!! its was sticky n i reek of alcohol.. to live up to my name i will definitely pay back lor… Meiling u r lucky tat i didnt do it to u hor….

wanted to extend another hr as Esther joined as late but too bad the ktv dun allow. some of my colleagues went for late night movie, pri sch frenz went to a pub & e rest went home. i met up with philip(polyforum) & christopher at coffee club. had drinks and i was forced to eat potato wedges n a dessert by chris, it was my birthday treat… after tat wanted to catch a late night movie but e timin was not rite so we ended up at KB ktv lolz…. my throat was hurtin so much after e 1st session, wasnt able to sing veri well at e 2nd rd… later at work i will be croakin like a froggy..

the presents… had a big red fila bag from amy & meiling, a small like turquoise bag from kelvin & another plastic-made bag from im not sure who(will find out). a chain belt and a bag charm from my cousin yikai, a silky brown bear(which i named as brownie) from darren, a t-shirt from edison, facial products from veron and lastly Swatch vouchers from YP, YS, SC, E, J, LW, PC, S, C & A. i really like all the presents but my mum is gonna scold me wen she sees the bags n bears i have on my chair n bed.. will write a blog on the no. of bags n soft toys i have in future.

its really veri fun wen u spent such a meaningful day with some meaningful ppl…

but at certain time i noticed tat certain ppl was not happy & it was abt relationship.. this topic is smth tat i dun like at this point of time coz its veri vexin and smth tat im not happy abt. i hope tat those ppl n myself will be able to find the MR/MISS Right in our lives soon and live happily after…

okay gotta go n meet my prince charmin in my dreamland… yawn…

feel like goin to redang or a beach somewhere, where i can relax and enjoy myself… but i cant confirm anything yet. still waiting reply from nyp whether im selected for e adv dip. if im selected i wont be able to go for my annual leave in july. another prob is if im selected whether will SGH will sponsor me for e course. if they dun, i gotta take no pay leave and have to find part time job… sigh………………………………………………..

i also wanna bring my mum to go for a holiday if possible. she has being veri stressed up with work and family matters. too bad she dun like sun and hate hot weather so cant bring her along to rendang. and dun tink she like spa as she has never done tat before… sigh…

cant do anything or decide on anything at the moment till i receive reply from nyp..

im so troubled…

Hi guys, got some great news to share with you all. It’s being a year since I last went for my ankle operation. Recently, I started to be more proactive in returning back to sports(im very lazy de).

Had a fun time on 19th May with my frenz n colleagues at Sentosa playing ultimate frisbee. It was nice meeting up with Edison, Darren and Jonathan as we haven’t meet up for a long time. Hmmm.. a year ago? Have not played ultimate frisbee for about a year plus. And I am gald that I can now run, jump and sprint without any problem. I am embarrassed to say that I now lack of stamina. Run for a while only I was gasping for air, die la must really keep in shape le. But it was fun and I really enjoyed it. Hey guys, when are we going to KTV?

This Swatch FIVB Beach Volleyball Tour was held in Sentosa. There was a beach volleyball clinic held for those who wants to hone their beach volleyball skills. And I was thrilled when I won a pair of tickets to attend the clinic taught by Olympics coach Dane Sleznick. Actually, I filled in Veron’s particular for the clinic but she could not make it as she need to look after her son. I was so afraid that I need to pay $35 for the vacancy as I could not find a replacement. Luckily at the very last minute my cousin, Yi Kai agreed to come and attend the clinic with me.

We had a fun time at the clinic. Both of us are not experts in beach volleyball so we made alot of funny mistakes while practicing. We lost count how many times our ball hit other people. Sorry people, we didn’t do it on purpose, REALLY. After being under the sun for 3hours, we both jumped into the sea to cool down… Ahhhhh… nice feelin.. It was super hot that day and we played at the oddest time, 11.30am to 1.30pm. After a dip in the sea, we got out and had Hagen Daz ice cream.. Yummy.. Then I went over to one of the tent to have a look at the volleyball. Too bad I didn’t have much cash with me, if not I would have bought the pro beach volleyball. After that we went to the Swatch tent to take photo with the Brazil’s women team(they won 1st). Thereafter, brought my cousin to Palawan beach and showed him the latest development in Sentosa. Finally, we went back home.

But I suffered sunburnt to my shoulders only and had uneven tanlines. Now I gotta try to get rid of the uneven tanlines.

Recently, Veron and I went to learn how to roller blade. I ever skated before but not that pro yet. After 4 lessons, I am more confidence in skating. On Saturday, went to East Coast Park with my instructor and skated from the Mcdonalds to the hawker centre and back. Along the way had to overcome my fear of humps and slopes. Luckily, I had my instructor by my side if not I would have fall many times and injuried myself very badly. I realised that I can’t really balanced that well on my right leg. Must be I didn’t do much of the rehab exercise that my physiotherapist taught me after my operation. Instead I can balanced rather well on my left leg. Sigh, gotta train my right leg now.

that’s all for now.. shall update more when I can blade like an expert.. haha.. that’s a long wait.

p.s. wanna learn roller bladin the easy and safest way? try www.singaporeinline.com.sg

hi ppl, i know its been veri long since i last updated my blog.. cant help it im veri lazy to update my blog. well let me update wat happened for the past few months..

was selected by my nursing officer to go for this Clinical Instructor Course from NOV ‘06 to FEB ‘07. in this course, i was taught how to assess and guide student nurses that come for attachment in the hospital. there are several grps of trainees e.g. NYP Dip, NYP Accelerated Dip, NP Dip, ITE East, STEERs. it’s very challenging as the age gap is very big from 17 - 50 and above and each individual have different learning capabilities. from here i learnt how to plan an orientation for trainees on their 1st day of attachment and how to plan my time to assess everyone of them.i benefited alot from this course as i had to attend other courses e.g Electrocardiogram course part 1, Advanced Life Support Course for Nurses, Automated External Defibilator course. i gained alot of experiences from other nurses who are more experienced than me ( i was the youngest and only had 2yrs of experience) as they have being in nursing for more than 20yrs. the course ended in FEB and was given the certifcate on March.

While I was undergoing training as a clinical instructor, I also had to attend a course in Oncology Nursing. I was glad that I was given this opportunity as it was an eye opener for me. Though I do nurse cancer patient, the knowledge that I have was quite limited. We had lessons from oncologist(drs specialised in cancer) and Senior Nurse Clinician Lian. I had a better understanding from both medical and nursing about oncology. Now, whenever my colleagues have questions about oncology nursing I can help them to my best knowledge or I will call up SNC Lian to help me.

This year I was given an opportunity to precept a new staff nurse. During this 2 months as a preceptor, I realised that it is not that easy being a nurse. Guessed many of the nurses out there may feel the same as I do. We have a very simple goal in our mind that is to nurse and care for our patients. However, that is not the case. Nurses are being tied down by many factors e.g. lack of manpower and the never ending paperwork. It is already very tiring for a staff nurse in-charge to work with only 1 junior nurse in caring for 13 patients. On top of that, the SN may need to guide trainees or new nurses while they are working. I had suffered severe burnouts during this 2 months as a preceptor and was quite depressed. I do not know whether I performed well as a perceptor or not as till now I do not see much improvement in my preceptee. Maybe I have too high demands for her or she could not cope with the high demands in the ward. Some said I was too lenient with my preceptee, some said I was too strict with her. Sigh… I’m tired.. Wanna go somewhere for a break.. Relax myself, forgetting all the worries for a while..

Thinking back I havent had my annual leave for coming to 4 months, no wonder I getting more shoulder and back aches. Looking forward to my annual leave in July, but I have totally no idea where to go. Want to go to somewhere that has got beach where I can enjoy the sun and the sea but going there alone will not be fun. I was also thinking of bringing my mum for a holiday so that she can forget about those unhappiness in her workplace and at home. Was wondering whether my mum would want to do spa? Lolz.. Or should I bring her to Taiwan or China? Sigh.. but I do not have the money… Troubled.. Troubled.. Troubled..

Applied for Advanced Diploma in Nursing, Gerontology this year. I am still waiting for answer from NYP. Hopefully I can get in and also that SGH will sponsor me during the 1yr course.

That’s all for now folks. Sorry to bored you all with my complains..

Take care and all the best!!

HELLO ppl! muz be wonderin which planet i disappear to for the past ten months rite? kekeke… Last entry was in March’06 after tat as usual was busy with work. Gotta make sure all my things are well done before i go for my ankle ligament reconstruction operation which took place on 16th May’06.

After the operation, i had a cast on my right leg for abt a month. Had to use crutches to move abt coz cant weight bear on my operated leg. Didnt knew tat usin crutches was tat tirin to my arms as well as to my left leg. As i need to clean my wound, i gotta go to the clinic near my house. Normally, the walk is nothing to me as i have to walk outside to the bus stop to go to work. However, usin crutches to ‘walk’ to the clinic was a torture for me. The moment i stepped out of my house i faced the 1st obstacle, lockin the door. Usually one juz stepped out n pulled e door closed along the way. With my two hands holdin on to the crutches i cant do so, gotta pull the door close inch by inch as i move step by step out of the house.

Took the lift down and started my journey to the clinic. Whenever i came across a step, be it goin up or comin down, i always feared tat i will fall down. If i were to avoid all the steps, i will have to go the long way and the distance increases. From the lift lobby of my block to the next block, my arms n left leg started to ache. Takin the short cut i gotta cut through few roads and carpark. So afraid tat a vehicle will juz popped up from nowhere. Every now and then i need to stop n rest a while. Started to perspire and breathe more faster, ok i know its been a long time since i exercise…

Reached the last block of flats but faced another obstacle.Either i go down a flight of steps or go down a slopin path. I chose the latter and found tat it was not tat easy esp if i were to lose my balance i could juz fall forward. Next was crossin the main road, had to take bigger steps as the timing for traffic light crossin is quite short. Few times the drivers were quite nice to wait for me to cross before they drive past. Once an inconsiderate driver juz drove right in front of me though i was still crossin the road, almost had a fall.

Reached the other side of the road safely. Climbed up a slopin path to the clinic and met with yet another obstacle. The door to the clinic is quite heavy even more so when i’m standin on one leg. At times other patients in the clinic will help or the clinic assistant, other times i will have to open the door myself. The feelin of helplessness juz caught me by surprise as I didnt expect tat it could be tat difficult. Now i truly understand how disabled ppl feel.

Most of the time while i was recuperatin, i spent it at home. So tempted to go out to the shoppin centres or juz downstairs my block. Cant do much at home too. Even gettin a glass of water is difficult. Have i mentioned abt showerin? Hahaha.. thinkin of it juz make me laugh. I cant possibly balance on one leg for long hence i had to place two plastic chairs in the bathroom. Gotta search for big plastic bag to cover up my cast to prevent it from gettin wet. Next i need to place my chairs strategically( wah as if im planinn a battle), one for me to sit on & the other for my right leg. I cant possibly hold up my casted leg while im bathin as it quite heavy. Luckily the shower head was long enough for me to pull. Shampoo, shower foam, facial wash and toothbrush & paste gotta placed them within reach. As the bathroom floor are always wet, i need to be veri careful so i wont slip n fall.

This period of time really strengthen up my left leg as i need to stand one legged frequently. Managed to go to Tampines Mall once or twice as i rented a wheelchair. Dun tink tat havin a wheelchair make things easier. Have to take the lifts and it always full. As my right leg is propped up, whoever is pushin e w/c gotta be good at avoidin the crowd.

Once i was eatin roti prata for breakfast, while clearin the gravy i accidentally spilled some onto my cast. Some of it went into the cast. Yucks! The next day had to go back to hospital and changed my cast. Havin a cast on is not a good thing, cant sratch wen u feel itchy and have to ensure tat u keep it dry. I had to spend $25 or $50 to buy a shoe which i can wear on my casted leg once i can weight bear on it. My colleagues signed on the cast and did some design as well.

After a month, finally had my cast removed. Was shocked to see how skinny my right foot was and it was quite weak. The skin was veri dark, dry and flakin away. Straight away i started doin physiotherapy to strenghten my right foot. Dr asked me to buy an ankle brace for my foot which caused me $75!! It look like a mid calf length boots. I started the trend of wearin a boot on one side and a sandle on the other. The scar on my right foot looks horrible so long and dark. Cant be bothered with appearance. My face is filled with freckles and a small scar on my left cheek, a scar on my left elbow from an accident wen i was in primary school and my knee caps are full of scars which i sustained in pri sch as well. As long as i can go back to exercisin, im happy enough.

After restin for 2 and a half month, i went back to work. I do feel pain over the scar esp i walk too much and stand too long, will have swellin at times as well. So far, im copin quite well and hopefully i can go back to exercisin this yr.

That’s all for today! Think i had typed too long a journal. Will update again soon… Take care ppl..

p.s attached some pics of my scar dun get freak out..

17/05/06 dr assessing the wound      

close up view

27/05/06 at the clinic               

14/01/07 now

its been a long time since i last wrote a blog. basically im not a IT person, which mean i dun use computer tat much. plus with my work i seldom use the comp, esp when my bro kept hoggin on to the comp!!!

many things had happened while i MIA online. i gained smth n i lost some. NOT gain weight or lose weight hor… maybe lah but dunnoe its gain or lose. hahahaha….. but i definitely know im havin hair lost.. aahhhhhhhhhhh… HELP!!!! too much stress i guess. cant help it too busy with work.

during these period, even now. things ard me seems like a dream to me… sadness,anger, happiness, uncertainties….. i have experienced them all. being an adult isnt tat happy after all. i know i know u all gonna say tat’s part n parcel of life. well i understand but there’s no need for me to experience all of them e moment i turned 21 or shld i say < 21yrs old? learnt alot from all these ‘lessons’ which makes me a more mature tinkin person. (however,there’s still a part of me which dun want to grow up =P)

if life is like a book, every page is a new chapter. then i guess my book will be a veri interestin n ‘excitin’ one.

however, u cant tear away those pages which contains sadness, anger n unhappiness…..

at least u pple dun get to read it…. hahaha.. so i shall continue to be the happy go lucky me!!!!

come on gal, get alive! at least u have a family, a stable job and good health*(????) u’re much better off than others.

well, tat’s quite true. i can still come up here n complain to u all…. hahahaha….

cant promise u guys tat i will come up here more often but will try to pop by k? if i dun reply ur msg pls dun be mistaken. i dunnoe y but i cant seem to reply ur msg. wenever i click the "reply" button e page juz doesnt turn up. not my fault k.

im trying to organise a big outin to sentosa somewhere in april. pls pls pls try to turn up can? coz tat will be my last outing to sentosa before im home bound for 3months or longer. remember the * somewhere in this blog? well im goin for an ankle reconstruction in earlier may(if only my supervisor allows me to go, lack of manpower u see), n wont be able to run for 3months or more. hence, pls grant me my wish of goin sentosa with u guys for a game(or few games) of beach touch rugby, ultimate(frisbee game) and suntanning(becomin more fairer, aahhh) before i cant enjoy all these till end of this yr. will inform u guys again.

k ppl, gotta go,

take care

celebrated my 21st birthday few days back. was happy to see my frenz celebratin it with me… however deep down inside i felt sad… depressed… very depressed…. cant seem to be myself, the cheerful, bringin laughter to other pple lives….

where m i?

the real me…

im lost… lost in this complicated world…

dun worry abt me ppl, i will be fine… will be.. i cant promise u wen will tat be but hopefully it wont take long. pls i wont need any advice or any form of comfort from u all. im aware tat all of u are concerned abt me. i juz need to be alone.. for a while i hope. alone…. if u noe me well u will noe i will be back on my feet one day. dun ask me wen will tat be coz i dunnoe. wat i noe is this time rd i might take a longer time. a longer time than before to recover.. a longer time…. a much longer time…..

hopefully i will put on a smile back onto my face soon n bring laughter to all of u, my frenz… meanwhile take good care of urself.

im feelin veri lost rite now. i have no idea wat i want in my life, my career, my love life.i have never felt so lost before. my mind is in a total blank. setbacks from my career n love life made me lost all hopes in my life. i dunnoe y m i still livin in this world wen there’s nothing tat i can do well in it.

the career tat i thot i like alot turns out to be so disappointin to me. im spendin most of my time doin paperwork than spendin time wid my patients. wen i cant manage my time well between my patients’ care n paperwork, i tend to neglect my patients. of coz i will get scoldin from my supervisors wen i neglect e care of my patients. my supervisors will always say "dun use busy s an excuse, u have more than enough staffs to help u. 1 staff nurse is = 4junior nurses". i suddenly felt tat im a ’superwoman’ coz my rank a staff nurse is = to 4 juniors. do u noe tat juz bcoz of this i always have to wrk double hard? i noe my rank n i noe i muz do junior wrk but havin to juggle e wrkloads of two positions is not tat easy at all. i have got to deal with doctors, patients and patients’ family members. but how come my pay is only paid for my one n only position as a staff nurse? singaporeans tink we nurses make alot of money, i cant say much abt e managment level but i can tell u for us doin all those manual wrks we are earnin veri little compared to wat we do. ok, never mind abt those hard wrk its something tat i had chosen to do. BUT, y does doctors, patients n most importantly patients’ family members treat us like SHIT!!! they order us ard s if we were their maids tat they have employed. this really dampens my attitude towards wrkin as a carin nurse towards my patients. not only do we get ordered ard, we also suffered from scoldings n complaints. Its been a yr plus since i worked as a nurse, i felt so tired havin to drag my body to wrk everyday. never endin wrk, never endin complaints, never a good rest wen i get home n never been looked upon as a professional by Singaporeans. wat is there left for me to carry on wrkin as a nurse? im not givin up yet coz i know i still love nursin alot. but i guess i have got to find out a solution before things get worse in my job.

its seems like im a demandin, unreasonable person wen im in a relationship. expectin alot from my the other partner. i do agreed tati expect alot from my partner but i too put in alot of efforts in maintaining the relationship. how would u feel if ur partner cant carry out e promises that he had promised u, or not able to make it for a dinner or outin tat u had planned for so long even thou u urself are busy with ur wrk? not payin attention to ur feelin. takin for granted tat since u know him so well from inside out tat there’s no need for him to explain to u why is he doin all those things n not keepin u company on ur off days or u tryin to meet him on his off days even thou u had a busy day? i tried my best to be understandin, tat he’s busy busy n busy till he doesnt have e time to celebrate our monthly anniversary. knowin well tat he got to wrk on e special i requested my off day on e day he need not go to wrk but in e end bcoz he was busy doin smth which was important to him tat he went out late n couldnt wake up e nxt day to go out wid me. this has happened many times n each times im juz so disappointed in him. i will get angry n throw tantrums at him n he expect me not to get angry at him n muz be understandin. how understandin do u want ur gf to be wen she knows nothing abt wat u r doin? ok so its condifential tat’s y u cant say. how abt a call or msg sayin tat u wont be able to make it on tat day? i wasted my precious rest day at home waitin for u to wake up n go out wid me. till evening time wen i called u, u said u juz woke up n goin to have dinner n will call me back later. i waited till 8pm + wen i called u back. u didnt say anything u only asked me wat i want. can i tell u wat i want? no, coz u wont be able to do wat i want n in e end i can only accept wat u can do for me. i asked u wat u want u didint noe, so how do u expect me to noe? im already so stressed from wrk n u r expectin me to be understandin.

im really so tired….. my career n love life have drained out my strength… all of it… i cant rest… not even wen im at home or spendin my time wid my loved ones.. coz i still got another role to play, another responsibility to carry out. im really tired… im lost… lost in a place where i dunnoe where i m.

Guess wat? I got betrayed by e person I loved or shld I said I once loved. Not only by tat person, frenz ard me who knew abt e matter didn’t tell me too. I’m even more hurt now. Veri hurt… No words can actually describe the pain I’m sufferin rite now. I feel like dyin….. Death juz bring everything to an end.

How i got betray? Well it’s simple, two-timed lah. Some more its I find out by myself. hahaha… how interestin!! Guess if i never find out i will still be tinkin wat’s wrong in the relationship. I’m still cryin. Even now s I’m typin this blog I’m still cryin. The weather suits my mood at e same time. Grey clouds gloomin on top of me n rain drops fallin down like my tears rollin down my cheeks. My heart? Its has now shattered into pieces cant be mended anymore.

LOVE. wat is love? can anybody enlighten me on tat? This is e sixth time I got hurt in a relationship. THE SIXTH TIME. N each time it’s even more worse than e previous one. HOW PATHETIC CAN I GET!!!!! im really veri pathetic. Guess nobody could be as pathetic as I can be. Wat have i done in my previous life? Why m i being treated dis way? Guess this is wat u called retribution.Hahaha… Wat comes ard, goes ard. So pple, be careful at wat u do n wat u say. This comes from a true life experience. Learn from it k?

Now wat m i goin to do? Still got another 2months plus before my 21st birthday. Will anyone of u come to my birthday celebration? Hmmm… will there be anybody at my celebration? I dunnoe…. maybe not.. maybe juz a few…. mayb…. mayb…. Hopefully wen i turned 21 i will turned mature at e same time. I shall not live in my dreams anymore. They are unrealistic. Cindy, GROW UP!!!! After so many times u still haven learn ur lesson. Sigh…. Guess GOD also gave up on me. No, GOD didnt give up on me. Coz GOD cry for me too. See, its rainin outside. The veri 1st time I failed in a relationship I told GOD:" When I cry, YOU dun cry(rain) for me. When I’m cryin in my heart, YOU cry(rain) for me". GOD never let me down. Sorry GOD, I know I’ve let u down so many times. I juz pray for strength to let me carry on with my life. PEACEFULLY.

Wen will i turn old? Wen will i leave dis world? I know its veri irresponsible for me to juz leave like tat leavin my family n frenz n most importantly my patients. I’m not sayin I want to leave now. Juz askin wen I’m leavin, coz dis world juz cause me so much pain. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. For my family, frenz n patients, I will carry on with my life till the day GOD wants me.