My Blog

Guess wat? I got betrayed by e person I loved or shld I said I once loved. Not only by tat person, frenz ard me who knew abt e matter didn’t tell me too. I’m even more hurt now. Veri hurt… No words can actually describe the pain I’m sufferin rite now. I feel like dyin….. Death juz bring everything to an end.

How i got betray? Well it’s simple, two-timed lah. Some more its I find out by myself. hahaha… how interestin!! Guess if i never find out i will still be tinkin wat’s wrong in the relationship. I’m still cryin. Even now s I’m typin this blog I’m still cryin. The weather suits my mood at e same time. Grey clouds gloomin on top of me n rain drops fallin down like my tears rollin down my cheeks. My heart? Its has now shattered into pieces cant be mended anymore.

LOVE. wat is love? can anybody enlighten me on tat? This is e sixth time I got hurt in a relationship. THE SIXTH TIME. N each time it’s even more worse than e previous one. HOW PATHETIC CAN I GET!!!!! im really veri pathetic. Guess nobody could be as pathetic as I can be. Wat have i done in my previous life? Why m i being treated dis way? Guess this is wat u called retribution.Hahaha… Wat comes ard, goes ard. So pple, be careful at wat u do n wat u say. This comes from a true life experience. Learn from it k?

Now wat m i goin to do? Still got another 2months plus before my 21st birthday. Will anyone of u come to my birthday celebration? Hmmm… will there be anybody at my celebration? I dunnoe…. maybe not.. maybe juz a few…. mayb…. mayb…. Hopefully wen i turned 21 i will turned mature at e same time. I shall not live in my dreams anymore. They are unrealistic. Cindy, GROW UP!!!! After so many times u still haven learn ur lesson. Sigh…. Guess GOD also gave up on me. No, GOD didnt give up on me. Coz GOD cry for me too. See, its rainin outside. The veri 1st time I failed in a relationship I told GOD:" When I cry, YOU dun cry(rain) for me. When I’m cryin in my heart, YOU cry(rain) for me". GOD never let me down. Sorry GOD, I know I’ve let u down so many times. I juz pray for strength to let me carry on with my life. PEACEFULLY.

Wen will i turn old? Wen will i leave dis world? I know its veri irresponsible for me to juz leave like tat leavin my family n frenz n most importantly my patients. I’m not sayin I want to leave now. Juz askin wen I’m leavin, coz dis world juz cause me so much pain. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. For my family, frenz n patients, I will carry on with my life till the day GOD wants me.

ok so i was workin afternoon shift(13/6/05) today in charge of rm 27 nothing much, all e patients are veri good. but things started to take a turn for worse.

send one of my patient’s(pt) medication record down to collect some supplement for her however the record never come back till its was somewhere near to 6pm when the pharmacy called up n said they are closin. but accordin to e student nurse i assigned to send down e record she told me e pharmacy had asked someone to send up e record. there was non thou. i went for my break at 5.45pm at 5.55pm my junior came in to tell me tat e pharmacy called up to ask us to collect e record. i was 3/4 eatin my duck rice(after started wrkin i mastered e art of finishin my meal within 10-15mins) wen i got to go out n get someone to go down n get e record.

after settlin e prob i went back to e MO(medical officer) rm to continue on with my dinner. "where’s my duck rice"? i remembered tat i placed my duck rice beside e comp while i was usin e comp wen i was called to go outside. but e rice was not there. instead i found a big big piece of ceiling on e table, a big big hole in e ceiling on top of e table wid water drippin down and some rice grains which looks like my duck rice scattered over e keyboard n on e flr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "wat actually happened"? i couldnt believed wat i saw n went out to call my colleague to come n take a look. she went "wah, wat happened"? so i replied "i dunnoe, my duck rice is gone"!! i told my nursin officer n she said tat she had informed e maintainence n they will come n clear up e mess. i was still in a state of shock. imagine this, i was sittin rite in front of e comp eatin my dinner n lookin at some information in e comp. n if my junior didnt called me out, e ceilin might have juz fall on my head i wont be here typin dis journal anymore. instead it will be many wks later when i will type a journal wid e subject "where was i all this while". wen i finally composed myself down i started to coz i haven finish my dinner. there’s at least 3-4pieces of duck meat left n 4-5pieces of char siew left. AND ITS GONE…………… pls dun laugh at me, im a meat lover. yah i know im glad tat i escaped this incident but i’m juz upset over my dinner. e dinner was bought by 1of my patient’s daughter which i know her well. she bought 2pkts for my junior n me. i was . but i really thanked my junior for callin me, or else they will be sendin me to e A&E for stitches to my head n u pple will be visitin me in hospital.

e ceilin fell was bcoz e pipe for dunnoe wat was leakin n the ceilin board couldnt hold on to e weight of e water n came crashin down. if i really got hit on e head, will i become silly?

ok, since i got nothing to eat i juz go back to wrk lah. during my time i admitted a pt which was transferred frm CGH to SGH for treatment. pt was not registered n i was waitin for her family members to come n give me e nric so we could get her registration done. however, her son only came at abt 6.30pm n he told me pt’s ic was at home n could only give it to us tomorrow. i told him cannot as we do not have pt’s particular in our system. he said he will ask e sister to bring down pt’s ic. e ic only came ard 8+. e son came back from e admission counter in A&E n said tat they needed admission form frm us to process e application. i was like admission form? where do i get it from? actually e CGH ambulance shld ve came in frm e A&E, get e admission done den come to my ward. nw im in trouble. pt not registered but is in e ward. e night nursing officer came to know abt it n was veri angry n scolded me y didnt i get e dr who saw e pt to fill up e admission form. it was close to 11pm. i had to call e dr on call to come down n fill up e form n i had to personally bring e form to A&E n get e registration done before 12midnight. y dun i get e night staff? coz e night nursing officer didnt wanted to waste e nite manpower to settle things which i shld ve done during my shift. so i waited for e dr to come till 11.30pm. bring e form to A&E, got e pt registered n bring back e form. e time i left my ward was 11.55pm.

so hw do u find my day? bad or good? at first it was a blessin in disguise, but it turned out tat im not so blessed after all. im sure i will get another scoldin from my nursing officer wen i back at wrk again or maybe tomorrow i will receive a call frm her. 

3rd June 2005

i received a call frm e daughter-in-law of 1 of my ex patients tat i once nursed and have been keepin in contact with.

Me: "auntie, u lookin for me ah? sorry ah, workin morning shift nw cant pick up ur call earlier. wat’s up?"

Auntie: "Cindy….. Ah ma passed away already!"

Me: "WAT? (pause for a long while) When?"

Auntie: "this morning at 4am. wanted to send ah ma in to hospital today was waitin for e nurse to come but ah ma couldnt wait….."

Me: "ok…. e funeral will be under ah ma’s hse rite? is ah pek(ah ma’s 3rd son) ok?"

Auntie: "he’s ok. u no need come down lah, juz callin to inform u only. i know u veri busy with ur wrk."

Me: (fightin hard not to cry out) "no lah i will go down. i will let u know wen im goin down. meanwhile u take care of urself k?"

Auntie: "ok u take care of ur health too.bye"

i dunnoe hw to explain hw i feel at e moment wen auntie broke e news to me. was i happy for ah ma? was i sad tat ah ma have left us? some of u might thot m i crazy to say tat i was happy for ah ma to pass away. i cant blame u if u were to tink tat way. why? coz u dunnoe ah ma at all.

ah ma had a stroke n haven been able to be on her own to take care of herself. she was bed bound wen i 1st saw her in my ward last yr september. she got multiply illness which made her veri ill. it was only of recent tat ah ma’s condition turn worse. wen she last admitted to my ward she was gaspin away however we managed to nurse her back (her wounds on her buttock n ankles) to some wat was acceptable n let her go home. however, wen she was last admitted in another ward last month her condition was not tat good. seein her gaspin away juz made me want to cry. my colleague n i went to pick up over 300 saga seeds for her during her last admission to my ward wen e dr told me her condition was not good n be mentally prepared. e saga seeds did listened to my prayers.

sometimes in my line of wrk, lookin at those patients lyin in bed tryin their veri best to breathe their every other breath makes u cry out for them. they cant turn themselves n if not properly taken care of they can develop sores over their buttocks n legs and many places where r veri prone. lookin at their family members crying for them, prayin for them to get well and also to be mentally prepared tat they will leave them at any moment is such a torture to them.

death of e patient could be a relief to both the patients n their family members. pls dun tink tat im cold blooded. seein 1 family sendin their loved ones on e eve of chinese new yr in e morning n seein another family sendin their loved ones on e 1st day of cny makes my heart winched at every sob they made. im veri close to my patients whom i nursed. coz i believed tat treatin them like one of ur beloved ones will make them recover faster n their stay in the hospital wont be so bored. and i find joy in goin to wrk everyday.

thou my patients have left me n went elsewhere but they always lived inside my heart.

that’s wat i do to my own ah ma.

love ya all…..missin you all….

thru u all i ve learnt alot frm my wrk….

thank you